Start at the Beginning

That is what Glenda told Dorothy to do when Dorothy was preparing to embark on her journey to see the Wizard of Oz. "Start at the beginning."
This week has involved a lot of starting at the beginning. I've had to remember what I did with my life in the beginning before Rowsby showed up. I am afraid I've had some difficulty adjusting to her absence. At one point, I considered spending a few nights in a hotel because I found my home to be an intolerable place without her here. Time is helping and I have a very supportive husband who has been right by my side through all my emotional breakdowns.
Also this week, my stepdaughter moved back to West Virginia. After putting her father through financial ruin and a court hearing to get her here, she secretly plotted with her inbred mother to get her back to West Virginia. What a mess. Last Monday, while "M" was at school, my husband and I packed her belongings up for her and sent her back to Clarksburg, West Virginia. At first, we were thinking that it might be painful. It hasn't been. We have had a wonderful week living like we lived in the beginning before his children moved here and brought their garbage and tumult with them. The house is quiet. The house is clean. I'm picturing the little woman in the movie "Poltergeist" saying "This hawssse is clean." Going back to the beginning has so far been a very cleansing and peaceful experience. If I had known about this peace before, I'd have put the little bastards on a Greyhound bus last year!!!!! Just kidding.
Starting at the beginning has taken other space up in my life this week. With the stress of the stepkids from hell, tremendous financial strain, and the loss of my dog, has come a bizarre set of emotional problems on my side of the street. I have experienced depression before. At the time I didn't know it was depression, but years later when I've looked into some clinical information on depression...I know I was experiencing depression. I thought those days were gone. They were not. For a while now, I have been feeling very strange. I've had some bouts with depression and some mental confusion. Then a few weeks back I started experiencing rage. I've never felt this way before. Even the simplest things made me go in a back room and shake uncontrollably and rage. I feel bad for my husband. I thought about going to spend a day or two with my friend Rosie so that I might get my head straight. Maybe if I left the situation for a day or two, the fog would clear. I later felt that leaving would only punish my husband. Separating from him would not do me any good, because he is not the source of the rage. HIS KIDS ARE!!!!! GRIEF IS!!!!!! So here is what we've proposed to do.
First, "M" went away. YAY!!!! The little freak is out of here and living with other freaks who will have to take care of her freakishness. Amazingly enough, I don't feel like raging.
The other issue is grief. I have decided to get another dog. I didn't think I'd do this, but I am afraid that the void Rowsby left is going to swallow me up. On October 17, we are going to Cincinnati to pick up a Cairn Terrier that will be named "Ruby". Actually her full name is "Ruby Slipper", but we'll call her "Ruby". She has a big job to do and that is why I picked a Cairn. They have the fortitude to take on an emotional wreck and still be the independent love sponge. "Ruby" is hopefully going to help me to start at the beginning and become the emotionally stable and strong person that I once was. She'll never replace the Woofmeister. Those brown shoes will never be filled. She can, however, close a chapter of grief and loss and open a new one of companionship of the terrier variety!
I'm also considering some counseling. My friend, Rosie, has had much luck in counseling. I'm thinking that maybe the frequent rage and sadness is something that might need tending to. I would imagine that it could only do good.
The beginning is looking good. It feels more comfortable than the middle of a mess. At the beginning I am remembering the steps I need to take to move forward again. In the middle of the mess, the steps are forgotten and distress clouds any options. So with a peaceful house, a new baby coming soon, and an outlet for emotional discord, I think I might just be okay.